Lend An Ear: How To Be A Good Listener For Someone With A Mental Health Issue
By Lesley Kelly, Farmer and Co-Founder of the Do More Agriculture Foundation
Do you know that we possess one of the most effective tools to help someone when they are experiencing a mental health crisis?
Listening.
We hear a lot about active listening – listening and responding to another person to improve mutual understanding. It can be a difficult skill to learn and master, as it requires us to be more present, attentive, engaged, open and flexible. We spend many years being taught how to speak, read and write but we’re never formally taught how to listen, which is the skill we use the most. It’s not surprising then, that we tend to find listening quite difficult or we may overestimate our ability to do it well.
What prevents us from listening effectively?
Having other things on our mind causing us to zone in and out
Trying to think ahead to what we will say next, possibly missing much of what the other person is saying
Feeling the desire to fix problems and come up with solutions
Feeling as though we don’t have enough time, causing impatience
Having our own agenda, so leading the conversation to meet our needs
Our frame of reference, which affects how we perceive others and causes us to make judgements rather than listening actively
For situations when someone is experiencing symptoms of a mental health crisis, there is a kind of listening, other than active listening that can be quite effective: empathetic listening. For a person experiencing a mental health problem, having an empathetic listener can be calming and reassuring – even healing.
Empathy, unlike sympathy, does not mean we agree with the other person or see things from the same point of view. Instead, it requires taking a moment to step outside of our normal patterns of thinking and feeling to imagine what it feels like to be the person in front of us.
Even if you’re totally comfortable talking about your mental health, it can be a really intimidating and scary process for others – trying to open up so they can share some very personal stuff isn’t an easy thing to do. Especially when they’re feeling vulnerable and worried about judgment.
If someone is ready to talk, that means they’re also looking for support. And if they’re chosen you to open up to, here’s your chance to be the supportive ear they’re looking for.
Be patient and engaged
It can be intimidating for someone to open up to you, so it’s important to remember to let them take the time they need to share. You may also want to plan ahead so that your conversation happens in a comfortable, private place where the other person feels safe.
When the talking does happen, it’s very helpful to be fully engaged. Listen deeply, encourage them through eye contact, open body language, and lots of empathetic responses. After all, the safer and trusting a person feels, the easier it will be for them to share with you.
Validation really helps
As a listener, it’s very helpful to remember that you aren’t available to judge someone’s struggles, nor are you there to offer solutions. Through validation, you are letting them know that their problems are worth being concerned about, worth talking about, and that they deserve to be listened to. Here are some examples of validation statements:
I understand that you’re upset, feeling anxious, sad, etc.
I get where you are coming from.
It sounds like you are feeling…..
Tell me what you really mean. I’m listening.
You can ask if they know what they need
When you’re listening to someone, you can get distracted with thoughts of, “I don’t know what to say.” If you’re unsure, tell the person, “If you know what you need, please let me know. Otherwise, I’m happy to listen and be here for you.”
Remember to value silence when appropriate
To avoid awkward silences, many people try to talk and fill in the gap. But in many cases, it’s better to do the opposite. Silence can allow thoughts to “sink in” and help the person keep sharing their thoughts and struggles.
Don’t forget to check in with yourself too
It’s never easy for someone to open up and discuss their mental health struggles, but at the same time, it can be a challenge to listen to someone experiencing these things, too. In order to remain engaged and active as a listener, it’s important to check in with your own mental health as well.
This can mean remembering to practise self-care after a conversation takes place – allotting the time for you to relax, decompress and process what you’ve just been hearing. However, this can also mean understanding your limits as a listener; if you feel that the person needs the kind of professional help that you cannot offer, it’s perfectly reasonable to suggest this.
If you or someone you know needs a listening ear, reach out and call the Saskatchewan Farm Stress Line at 1-800-667-4442.