May 16, 2020

I grew up on the family farm west of Regina and am the youngest of four. I attended a small country school west of Regina and attended high school at Luther College in Regina. I then attended the University of Saskatchewan obtaining my Bachelor of Science in Agriculture with a major in Economics in 1983. 

I then joined Farm Credit Corporation as a Credit Advisor and worked in various parts of Saskatchewan. After about 3 years with FCC I joined TD Bank in Saskatoon as an Agriculture Account Manager. After 3 years I transferred with TD to Toronto to develop and deliver an Agriculture Credit Training Course for National Ag.. After completing this project I decided to stay in Toronto and transition into Commercial/Business Banking to broaden my scope in banking. 

I progressed through a variety of more senior positions in management over the years and was appointed Vice President in charge of Commercial Banking in Winnipeg in 2000. After 7 years I then was transferred to Red Deer Alberta as Vice President to start a new concept of a virtual Commercial Banking Group to manage our commercial business for all of Alberta except for Calgary and Edmonton. After 7 years I was asked to assume the Vice President role in charge of Agriculture for Western Canada. Over the course of 7 years our Ag business grew and progressed to the point where the bank added an Associate Vice President to look after Manitoba and Saskatchewan and then one for BC. This allowed me to focus on the province of Alberta to include Agriculture and Agribusiness.

After 33 wonderful years with TD Bank I retired January 2019 and reside with my wife in Calgary.

Now, for the real story of my living with clinical depression and anxiety.

I new early on in my teenage years and my early 20's that something just was not right with me but I couldn't figure it out. Even as a child I questioned why I was part of this world and how I did not feel a part of it, despite a close and loving family. As a youngster I struggled with my memory in school, learning was difficult and I was often feeling down although I tried to hide it from family and friends.

One of the most horrific moments of my childhood was an event that occurred one summer night when I was 13 years old. As a young boy and like many others on the farm, I had a .22 rifle which I kept in my bedroom. This one particular evening I woke up about 1:30 am, grabbed my rifle, clip with bullets and proceeded to the bathroom down the hall. I closed the door, put on the light, loaded my rifle, sat down on the edge of the bathtub and proceed to place the gun barrel in my mouth. I wasn't even giving this a second thought and cannot recall what precipitated my action but once I tasted the metal and spent gun powder I then started to panic and wonder just what in the world I was doing. With my thumb on the trigger, part of me felt that I would be better off dead, no more feeling down, no more pain from feeling out of place, and I would be less of a burden to others.

Then the other side of me thought about how distraught my parents and family would be, blaming themselves for something they did not even know about or could control. This tug of war went on for an hour after which I was getting so fatigued my decision to not pull the trigger won out. Fortunately! I then unloaded my rifle, went quietly back to bed and never mentioned it to my parents or family until later in my 50's when I did share this with just a few people. The next morning was as if nothing ever happened. I could never recall what I was thinking of after that.

Over the years as a teenager, my depression was up and down and this continued into my 20's. Work did not seem to exacerbate my mental illness at the time. In fact I was an adrenaline junky and workaholic which was just a means to hide my illness. After ever increasing depressive episodes I finally sought medical assistance in my early 30's. It was at that time that I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. I started what would and continues to be a long road of different medications to help manage my illness.

As I progressed through the various more senior roles in the bank, I found that I had to change medications about every 5-6 years as they would eventually wear off. When I was in Red Deer I, unfortunately, did not catch the fact my meds were starting to wear off and I was starting a slow downward spiral. Work and home life were great, I was having a banner year at work but I hit rock bottom and was thinking suicidal thoughts again. My wife knew things were not right and I told her I was going to admit myself to the hospital which I did.

I was hospitalized for about a month and started a new treatment for me which was ECT, which is a more refined form of shock therapy, where they put you under and do the treatment. This proved very effective for me and I started out three times a week, and over several months eventually moved to once every 6 weeks. During my first week in hospital, I felt I needed to share my situation with my boss at TD. I was very reluctant to do so as I felt so embarrassed, weak, useless and feared losing my job. But I did not want people speculating about me given I knew I would have to go on short term disability.  When I called him, he was so very supportive and understanding, which really took me a back. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Support for me at the more senior levels was unbelievably strong and I was encouraged to take whatever time I needed to get well and not worry about my job.

When I finally got back to work, after about 2-3 months of short term disability, I shared my illness with my staff, who were shocked as they would never have guessed, but again so very supportive. I received a call from my boss a couple months after I returned to work asking me if I would be interested in being part of a national sub-committee that was going to focus on People's with Disabilities which included mental health. I was flattered and was very eager to participate. The one thing that the Bank showed me was its willingness to recognize and support people with disabilities, visible and invisible. Mental illness falls in the later. 

I participated in blogs, video conferences and actual presentations to all staff at all levels on my experience in living with mental illness. In many ways, my talking to others about my illness was actually therapeutic for me. Feedback was tremendous and it was enlightening to be part of a movement in the bank to help destigmatize mental illness, help people that suffer in silence realize that, you are not weak or useless if you self disclose your illness to the bank. Mental illness has for so many years been kept quiet, kept in the closet and frowned upon  Mental illness is no different than heart disease, cancer, diabetes to name a few. Would you tell someone having a heart attack to stop having one? Of course not. The same applies for someone suffering from an attack or affliction from their mental health.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for everyone, especially us men, to let go of our male gender beliefs that we cannot display what we may perceive as being weak when in fact it takes a lot of courage to admit that you have a mental health issue, whether its genetic like mine is, or situational, or trauma induced. Mental illness runs genetically on one side of my family and I lost two uncles to suicide.

Talking about and admitting to the illness is the first step and a tough one. The next step is getting the proper medical help that is needed. The medical side can be a long journey to find the right meds or treatment, as what works for one does not necessarily work for another so patience is critical. I still battle with having to change medications on occasion, even in retirement, because I can't control the chemical composition of my brain and neither can you. 

Just because you have a mental illness does not mean you cannot be successful in your own right. I also credit my spouse for being my anchor through my life, as this can be tough on spouses but it’s even worse for them if you don't talk about it and also be willing to get professional help. Your spouse needs to be involved with doctor appointments and counselling in order that they too can better understand the illness and cope.

Other treatments that can assist is CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). As well, some form of physical activity is important but don’t go wild on it and set yourself up for failure. With mental illness, small wins of any sort need to be recognized and celebrated.

Generally when someone is several depressed they do not want to do anything, have no joy in things they generally enjoyed, feel alone and non communicative. Life just becomes a chore so watch for these signs along with increased use of alcohol.

As a spouse or friend, you are not there to prescribe or solve the problem. Listening, empathizing and pushing for medical and professional help is important. I know help like this is not always available in remote rural locations so going to a larger centre maybe the best option.

I hope for those of you suffering in silence will take my story as a push for you to bring your illness into the open and seek help. 

Thank you.

Kevin Werner