Relationship Repair Checklist For The Farm

By Lesley Kelly, Farmer and Co-Founder of the Do More Agriculture Foundation

Typically, when it comes to farming, we think of repair in terms of what we do to a piece of equipment. As we use our equipment, they break down and we repair to get them back up and running. But in relationship terms, repair is less about fixing what is broken and more about getting back on track.

Getting back on track and building strong relationships with all stakeholders – from immediate family members to employees, suppliers, community and industry – good things are bound to happen and can fuel farm success. But just like our equipment breaking down, our relationships can as well, which can increase our stress levels and take a toll on our emotional and mental health. 

All relationships will have moments or times of turbulence. In farming relationships, which may include with a spouse, family member and/or friend, we are faced with unique stressors that can result in external tensions spilling over into our relationships. Using strategies like repair attempts, employing them early and often can help to resolve disputes before they escalate and build and maintain healthy relationships on the farm.

What is a repair attempt?

Masters of relationships repair early and often. And they have lots of strategies for how to repair. Dr. John Gottman, founder of The Gottman Institute and author of ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’, has been a leading pioneer in evidence-based research into the science of effective repair attempts. He describes a repair attempt as “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.”  Not surprisingly, while some strategies may work well for some, they do not for others because every relationship is different. And because every relationship is different, finding the repair strategies that work for you and others can actually be a unique and creative process.

After studying thousands of couples, Gottman has come up with a powerful argument-resolution tool - the Gottman Repair Checklist:

1. Validate their emotions: Ask questions to understand what they are thinking and feeling and validate what they are going through by using statements like:

   • Tell me more about…

   • Help me understand what you’re going through.

   • What happened?

   • It makes sense that you feel/think…

   • I hear you saying...

2. Apologize as soon as possible

3. Express appreciation for their strengths, contribution, initiating the conversation, etc

4. Empathize with them.  “I see you and understand why you feel that way.”

5. Take responsibility for your behavior/action

6. Ask them what they need from you or how you can help/support them

7. Share your ideas around what you can do next time to avoid/work through the situation

8. Use humor

9. Continue to cultivate the relationship by making positive deposits, versus withdrawals through positive and supportive actions, such as:

   • Keeping commitments

   • Being kind

   • Being a good listener

   • Finding ways to help the other person

   • Praise

Repair attempts are not a one-size-fits-all. 

The ideal repair attempt is done in the moment but this is often not possible for a number of reasons.  If you miss a window of opportunity and things start to get tense, remember that you can still try.  Also keep in mind that some of the above listed repair attempts won’t be suitable for situations with higher level of upset and emotion.  For example, you would not use humor for a heavier situation as the other person will likely not find the attempt funny and it may backfire. Repairing relationships takes effort and time but is part of the ebb and flow of healthy relationships. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s what you do next that really matters.

If you or someone in your family or farm team are going through a hard and stressful time, reach out to a professional. For local crisis contacts and resources visit https://www.domore.ag/crisis-contacts.